_For your reading pleasure, A Review!

_Overview: Conditions’ debut album Fluorescent Youth puts them in a prime position to take the pop-rock throne, now that acts like Taking Back Sunday and Fall Out Boy have moved on to stadium-rock fame. However, Conditions’ debut is so good, it kinda makes us wonder why we gave Taking Back Sunday or Fall Out Boy the throne in the first place.

_Specifics: Conditions will instantly remind listeners of early Taking Back Sunday, when John was still in the band, or early Brand New, before they got all alternative (in the best way possible), or early Anberlin (not that Anberlin has changed much over the years, but anyway). That is to say, when pop-rock was only just getting out of the garage and there wasn’t that pesky thing called fame distorting it.

_The most impressive aspect of Fluorescent Youth is the way it handles itself with such poise. Musically it is solid, but not complicated, stirring, but not overblown. Lyrically, it is honest without being (dare I say it) emo, inspirational without being cheesy, and uplifting without being religious, overly political or overly optimistic. It steps up to all those lines and walks them like a pro.

_While lacking any obvious religious or political motivations, Conditions does pull off some crippling social commentary and they nail it. Their main concern? People lying to themselves and buying into what society tells them to be. Tracks like “Natural Competition” and “Miss America” in particular nail this concept on the head, berating a lifestyle of cheap sex and empty emotions.

_All that combined with some great riffs and the result is a balanced, honest album that has the youthful energy of an angsty garage band mixed with the dignity and wisdom of a bartender giving advice.

_Rating*:
_Pre-Order The Special Edition

_Conditions: http://www.myspace.com/conditionsband

(* A note on our new rating system. It goes, from worst to best: Don’t Bother – Burn Your Friend’s Copy – Buy It Off iTunes – Pre-Order The Special Edition. The new system was created when we realized that no one pays attention to stars, but people really want to know if an album is worth spending money on.)

_Keep listening, and we’ll see you next week.

- Kid

_You approach the table. You cannot hear what any of the people are saying, but you can see all the pictures they are passing around at will. Sometimes, rarely, someone will pass a sheet of paper around with a short piece of text on it. Sometimes it is a statement, sometimes it is a question. If it is a question, only the others at the table can answer it.

_You stand behind one person for a long time. You look at every picture they pass around, you look at every picture they copy. You read through the short pieces of text that they write and, even though they cannot know your answer, you answer the questions that they pose. You stay there for a long time getting to know their interests. You walk away from the table.

_Weeks later, when you meet that person at a party, you realize you know absolutely nothing about them.

_The above metaphor is, of course, in reference to the blog site Tumblr, which advertises itself as the easiest way to blog. The idea of Tumblr is to be, in the words of The New York Times, “to weblogs what text messages are to email – short, to the point, and direct.” And while most of Tumblr’s reviews say the same thing, praising its efficiency, the statistics that Tumblr provides on their about page is telling.

_”The average Tumblr user creates 14 original posts each month, and reblogs 3. Half of those posts are photos. The rest are split between text, links, quotes, music, and video.”, Tumblr tells us. That means that in one month, the average Tumblr poster will post only seven original, non-picture posts. Of those seven, four will contain links, quotes or other material that is not original to the poster.

_The point is, that while Tumblr might be the internet’s text messaging, in regards to its ease, it’s also the internet’s text messaging in regards to the fact that it is not discursive. It’s not that we don’t love Girls Got a Face Like Murder’s blog, it’s that we’re not sure what the point of reading it is.

_The anger over the supposed “Mosque” in the vague vicinity of Ground Zero underscores the propensity of Americans to latch on to misinformed key words and rail against them. It’s the latest instance in a trend in which small amounts of information or charged catch-phrases have riled the anger of millions.

_While Tumblr doesn’t insight anger, nor does it have a political agenda, it does feed into the text-message mindset, that an emotion, a political idea or a personality can be summed up in a reblogged picture from someone else’s Tubmlr account. After enough reblogging, a person truly could believe that it’s a “Mosque” and get angry about it. The original source, the original intent is lost, and the anger turns into a campaign slogan that gets reblogged by the others sitting at the table, while those of us watching them have no ability to comment.

- Kid

The January before we left for our study abroad programs, I traveled down to Baltimore to see my dear friend. Traveled 9 hours. On a Greyhound bus. The day before Obama’s inauguration. If nothing else, this is proof of the lengths one will go to for a friend like Kid.

Anyways, the weekend was a blast – alcoholic, patriotic, etc., and I returned home a happy, hungover disaster.

After sending Kid a thank you message for hosting me and my alcoholic self that weekend, both heartfelt and sarcastic, he responded and reminded me of something.

We were sitting in this bar a few blocks away from his apartment, having one last drink before he dropped me back at the bus station. We were having yet another casual conversation about relationships and dating and all that wonderful stuff, and after describing to me, in great detail, the “types” of characters he’s dated, he asked,

“Would you ever date me?”

I laughed a little, but wasn’t mean about it.

“Hell no. We are not the dating type. No way.”

His message back referencing that conversation?

“I gotta say, I thought it was funny that when I asked you if you’d ever date me you were like “Hell no!”, mainly because that’s what I would have said too”

I laughed out loud when I read that, because I know him well enough to be able to read that and know exactly what his face looked like – the laughing relief and relaxation that finally, after three months of casual, um, shall we say f-w-b?, we had solidified our friendship as just that: friendship.

Anyways, the whole conversation about the two of us not dating made me think about relationships again, which I’ve been doing a lot as of late. Ask me a year earlier about whether or not I thought relationships were a fantastic idea and if I wanted one myself and I would have listed off the details of the wedding I’d already planned with the faceless groom.

Now, however, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to function in a relationship. I keep thinking about what’s involved in a relationship. You have obligations and rules to follow. You have someone wanting to know where you are and who you’re with, someone wanting to spend time with you. Someone who wants you to tell them your secrets and wants you to help them with theirs.

This is all nice in theory, and I’m sure lots of people can do it well. But my habit of sabotaging relationships has proven to me that I do that on purpose because I don’t, or maybe can’t do the relationship thing. I don’t know if I’m cut out to take care of someone else, so be totally committed to someone else and have doors closed to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally open to the possibility that I feel this way because I’ve yet to be in a functional relationship with someone I actually like and want to be with. But right now, it doesn’t feel right, or even possible. Nothing with relationships seems possible.

How are we supposed to do all those things you’re supposed to do in a relationship and make time for our lives? For ourselves? It seems to be a T-Rex of a task – to take care of your own emotional self and that of someone else, to be willing to let things go and forgive and forget for the sake of the relationship and all of the other steps you’ve made together.

Kind of scary.

_I would like to explain how The Sexretary got her name. No, it’s not what you think (although…office fantasy…?)

_When I was living in downtown Baltimore, I made the mistake one night of calling two of my amorous relationships in one night. When I texted The Sexretary to let her know, she replied something like: “Ha ha, Kid, you need a social secretary, or a Sexretary.”

_No, it’s not that obvious. Her name does not come from any amorousness (really? “Amorousness” is a word?) that happened between us but rather an understanding. It came from an understanding that this is who we are and that we can speak and joke with each other without judging each other.

_If only the rest of the internet cared about itself that much.

_The Sexretary gained her name not because we hooked up, but rather because we weren’t afraid to throw ourselves out into the pack of electronic wolves that you are. I am, and always will be, a Kid, and she will always understand without harsh judgment.

_So look at the internet. Take Pitchfork.comfor example. It’s a music site which might be nothing more than cool if it wasn’t the inspiration for Pitchfork Reviews Reviews, a site that rates the ratings of Pitchfork. Of course, music reviews only exist to allow us schmos to apply the right adjectives to our daily bar conversations, but don’t tell the internet that. Hell, the New York Times might get mad at you if you do for pointing out that there is no real substance to its article other than to promote a site that promotes a site by vocally “criticizing” the former site. Lost in that grammar? So am I.

_And God help us if we even consider a site like Gawker to be even remotely related to us. They’re credible right? Sure, considering the fact that former editor Emily Gould not only tried to scoff at Jimmy Kimmel during his hosting of Larry King Live, but also found that interview so traumatizing that she had to seek therapy. That makes sense, sure.

_Good job, The Internet.

_And so I have to shamelessly congratulate ourselves and shamelessly berate the Internet as a whole. We love you. We want to know about you. We don’t want you to hide behind blogs or fan sites or music review sites or, Hell, review of music review sites.

_Sure we like nicknames (they can be so cool and so awesome!), but ultimately we don’t want your nickname, we want you.

_And, so, by long-winded explanation of the internet’s downfalls, we reach our final point:

_The Sexretary got her start here by being honest with me, by understanding me and by giving me a chance to explain myself without judgment.

_That is the same chance that we offer you and that we challenge you to accept. It is what many of you are afraid of, that chance to be completely honest, but it is the chance that you all deserve.

- Kid

_Oh no. We’re classy.

_And since it’s been a steady 90 degrees in Baltimore for the past week or so, we’ve been trying out new, summery ways to drink without falling back on the usual mojitos and margaritas (not that we don’t love a well-made margarita).

_My latest discovery isn’t latest at all. It’s a time-honored classic: the Sidecar. Of course, it’s supposed to be made with brandy, but it also works well with bourbon, which is good because that’s my favorite.

_The Sidecar is easy to make. It’s two part liquor to one part triple sec with a splash of lemon juice. Shake over ice and serve in a cold glass with a twist. It’s a cold, refreshing and lemony way to enjoy a fine bourbon or brandy. Or whatever booze you’d like, really, provided that it’s not rail.

_So, next time you find yourself sitting on your deck in the afternoon looking for something to sip on while you cool down, grab a Sidecar and enjoy a cocktail classic.

- Kid

_You might have noticed the “Currently Addicted To” section that has started to directly precede our Mixtape Mondays posts and thought “Way to be cute…” in a not all that friendly tone. It does seem like a gimmicky way to plug bands right? Like “Current Best Album EVAR!!!1″ or something lame.

_But you’d be wrong.

_According to this Vice Magazine article, an addiction to music is not only a real possibility, but recognized by at least one government as a handicap. And so, you might still roll your eyes at what you think is a cute gimmick, but I assure you: this shit is real.

_And that is one damn good E.P., regardless of whether we’re chemically addicted to it yet or not.

_Keep listening, and we’ll see you next week.

- Kid

But before I fill you in on the details of this exciting news, let me take this time to acknowledge my lack of brilliantly witty pop-culture-infused and fabulously snarkastic posts. I haven’t lost my touch yet, just a bit of my mind. But I expect to be back in action when I speak to Kid and he kicks my ass about the sorry-ass posting I’ve been doing.

Anyways, Australia. The Land Down Under. Island of Convicts. Oz.

I’d like to refer back to this post I wrote last April, and this e-mail I wrote to a friend around the same time:

“I have figured out, courtesy of Catie, why I am so disinterested with Australia. It’s because it’s too much like home, too much like America. I walk outside of my apartment, and I could be in Towson for Christ sake. I live in a suburb outside the city… aka the same set-up I have back in both Boston and Baltimore. This makes the trip feel like a waste. Where is the ancient architecture? Where are the walking history museums? Where are the ruins, the statues, the monuments?

I hate that I don’t feel like I’m going to come home and sound like everyone else:  “It was the best time of my life. I never wanted to come home!” “I’m definitely going back!” “Ohmigod, [insert country here] was soooo great!”

I think I’ll be the anomaly when I get back. Don’t get me wrong, Australia is beautiful and the city is amazing and there is a lot to see and do, but I don’t feel like a “changed” person, and I can’t see myself dragging my feet across the airport tarmac at the end of June. I think it’ll be more like a hop-skip-jump. But still it makes me sad that I feel this way. I wanted to have that “ohmigod” experience. But maybe I will. It’s only March afterall…”

Well, Digital Scene-er’s, it’s pretty obvious that I’ve crossed over to the other side – from the girl who spent every night the first three weeks crying to go home to the girl who’s leaving everything behind to move back there forever. Who would have thought?

If you were in my boat with me last April, I hope you’ve joined me in my new cruise ship headed towards the Pacific Ocean. If not, ring me and I’ll just bring you with me, get you drunk, convince you to sleep with me, and then make you fall in love with me so badly that you have no choice  but to uproot your life in America and move to Australia to be with me forever.

That’s how it happened to me.

Kidding.

Kind of.

_For anyone who’s ever found themselves defending their musical taste, we’ve come up with some rules to help you argue why you like the music you do:

_Rule Number 1: Never Argue Music with a Drunk Republican. Granted, there aren’t many things you should argue with a drunk Republican, unless you really enjoy half-hour long rants about how wrong you are backed up by often circular or half-assed logic, but up until this weekend we didn’t know that music was one of those topics. It is.

_Rule Number 2: Expect Adversity. There are a few bands/albums/songs which very few people are willing to accept are overrated or (gasp) bad. Radiohead is one of those bands. It’s nearly impossible to convince someone that Thom Yorke isn’t that great of a songwriter and, in fact, has a terrible voice. So if you’re going to argue that any of these taboo bands/albums/songs are in fact overrated and not worth listening to, you’re going to have a hard time of it. We suggest practicing by convincing a Tea Party member that Obama isn’t socialist.

_Rule Number 3: Understand What People are Really Telling You. When people tell you that you should listen to music other than what you enjoy, or ask why you don’t listen to certain types of music, what they are really doing is acting on a preconceived notion that you aren’t listening to music worth listening to. Whenever someone tells me that I should listen to jazz, they are acting on the idea that jazz is worth listening to and that since I disagree, I am wrong and therefore listen to crap. No matter how polite they might think they are being.

_Rule Number 4: Don’t Be Afraid to Defend Yourself Militantly. People will try and tell you that you’re wrong, or that what you listen to is drivel, but don’t let it get you down. More often than not, what they listen to is drivel. Don’t be afraid to throw this right back at them. They probably think that Radiohead is awesome and that “OK Computer” is groundbreaking.

_Rule Number Five: They Don’t Matter. Other people’s opinions of your music don’t matter. When you’re driving along through the wreck of another day, trying to overcome a soul-crushing depression and the music that you’re listening to (whatever it happens to be) helps by either giving you something to relate to or lifting your spirits, you realize how little you care about other people’s opinions.

_Rule Number Six: You Can’t Win. And you shouldn’t try, either. There are bands, albums and songs that you can’t explain. When you hear them, you turn them up so loud that the music plays all the way down into your soul. You can’t argue it, you can’t explain it. If someone else brings it up, you can’t win. But you shouldn’t try. Because when you hear that band or album or song and it plays down into your soul, you do win. No matter if anyone is around to know.

_Keep listening, and we’ll see you next week.

- Kid

Over the last two and a half months, Kid and I have written, between the two of us, 6 15+ page papers, slept in the library, consumed entire pots of coffee, contemplated the not-so-tragic-ends of certain professors, and, drum roll please….. GRADUATED COLLEGE. Fuck yes.

So now, things are back to usual. I’m back to my usual insomniac routine: sitting in my basement watching Lifetime until the Paid Programming starts around 3am. My life is like MTV’s True Life: I’m a Post-Grad Living at Home With No Clue What To Do With My Life

But anyways, back to Lifetime. If you all ignore the fact that Lifetime is called the “channel for women” or something like that, and just read about what I’m watching right now, that’d be great.

Normal Adolescent Behavior starring Amber Tamblyn. Showing on Lifetime (Television for Women) at 9pm Eastern

Plot Summary courtesy of imdb.com

In a suburb populated by wealthy and liberal parents who want a bucolic life for themselves and their children, Wendy, Billie and Ann are seniors at the alternative private school; they spend all their time with fellow students John, Price and Robert. The six have been friends since elementary school and their friendship has become a six-person monogamous relationship. They swap sex partners each week; their loyalty is to the group, not to one person. The six friends don’t want to survive high school – they want to transcend its pettiness. Their friendships are intense, especially between Billie and Wendy. After orientation, Wendy meets Sean, a new senior who moved from Chicago; he finds out about her “inner geek” and she quickly recognizes a kindred spirit. Soon their friendship becomes romantic and Wendy is torn between her genuine affection and desire for Sean, and her commitment and belief in the group. Wendy starts to test the boundaries of her vow to her friends, and Billie realizes that she is going to have to fight to keep her best friend; which shouldn’t be a problem, since each of the teens has collected a box full of mementos from their sexual experience. If Wendy tries to leave, Billie can destroy her reputation and relationship in a heartbeat. While Wendy is trying to decide between Sean and her friends, Wendy’s younger brother Nathan meets Sean’s mother, Helen who is waiting a long three weeks to start a new job. Nathan develops a huge crush on her, and uses his considerable cooking skills to try and woo her. When Billie realizes that Wendy really might leave, she tests her – pushing Wendy to publicly ridicule Ryan, a girl who left the group last year along with her boyfriend, Aaron. Sean witnesses the brutal scene, where Ryan’s past is used against her. Wendy is devastated that she allowed herself to be pushed around by Billie. Then Wendy spends another Saturday night with the group and she is unable to “cheat” on Sean; her hesitation is all that Billie needs to accuse her best friend. After the girls fight, Wendy takes out her frustration on a random couple who keep making out in front of her house. Ryan, hearing that Wendy is out of the group, tries to be friends, but Wendy doesn’t like what Ryan has become – a subservient wet dishrag of a girlfriend. Sean and Wendy try to be a “normal” couple, but the group quickly tests the relationship: Billie puts the box of memorabilia in Sean’s locker. Wendy claims she isn’t scared, she knows that Sean loves her. Maybe so, but when he sees the photos that document a lifetime of sexual experimentation, he is fed up and offers an ultimatum – Wendy can burn the box, leave the group and be a normal girl, or they can break up. Wendy has gone from one ultimatum to another. When Wendy sees Billie being tortured for being alone by other students, she wants to comfort her friend. Billie invites Wendy back to the group; such is the depth of Billie’s love for her. But Wendy makes a braver, and stronger decision – to be alone. The girls in the story – Wendy, Ryan, Billie – all must face the next chapter of their lives alone, and for the first time, at least Wendy sees the possibilities this offers

And I thought my sexual relationships were fucked up. Imagine this. I can’t. Did this shit happen to me when I was in high school? Ummm, no. Did it happen to anyone? Anyone?

Either way, it’s a fabulously fucked up movie. Right now Amber Tamblyn’s character is trying to get her boyfriend to slap her ass. He’s refusing, and instead offering to take her out for an ice cream soda. So romantic.

She sucks at relationships and sucks at being a girlfriend and doesn’t know how, so I commiserate with her on that. And you know what she just said? “I don’t know if I even want to know how.”

Thank you God. At least someone thinks like me, even if it is a hypersexualized, deviant high school whore.

_First up? Gregg Wilhelm’s City Lit Project. City Lit is dedicated to spreading literature, literacy and culture around the greater Baltimore area. With a recently added publishing format, Gregg really is coming up in the world.

_City Lit sponsors and advertises reading events, book fests and writer’s resources for all the litophiles in the Land of Pleasant Living. They’re also a non-profit, which means they can donate wine to events. So they’re very popular.

_And so, having applied, Kid here is waiting to hear back to see if he can be a part of the City Lit team. What will he do? Will he work in the publishing department editing manuscripts, turning writing raw material into literary gold? Will he work in the marketing department and sing the praises of those pieces of literary gold to all who need to hear? We will see!

_Oh the excitement is killing us. Stay tuned for updates and make sure to check out the City Lit site for resources and announcements on reading events in Charm City.

_NOTE: Unrelated, but also cool, we are currently working on getting proper webhosting. Not that we don’t like WordPress (thanks for the support, WP!), but we want to be thedigitalscene.com the end. We will keep you updated on that as well.

- Kid