August 12, 2010

117_’Ships’… Relation- and Friend-

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:42 am by sexretarylady

Oh Kid, way to make a girl nostalgic. In light of your flashback, I’ve decided to give another small taste of the friendship that is Kid and his Sexretary.

The January before we left for our study abroad programs, I traveled down to Baltimore to see my dear friend. Traveled 9 hours. On a Greyhound bus. The day before Obama’s inauguration. If nothing else, this is proof of the lengths one will go to for a friend like Kid.

Anyways, the weekend was a blast – alcoholic, patriotic, etc., and I returned home a happy, hungover disaster.

After sending Kid a thank you message for hosting me and my alcoholic self that weekend, both heartfelt and sarcastic, he responded and reminded me of something.

We were sitting in this bar a few blocks away from his apartment, having one last drink before he dropped me back at the bus station. We were having yet another casual conversation about relationships and dating and all that wonderful stuff, and after describing to me, in great detail, the “types” of characters he’s dated, he asked,

“Would you ever date me?”

I laughed a little, but wasn’t mean about it.

“Hell no. We are not the dating type. No way.”

His message back referencing that conversation?

“I gotta say, I thought it was funny that when I asked you if you’d ever date me you were like “Hell no!”, mainly because that’s what I would have said too”

I laughed out loud when I read that, because I know him well enough to be able to read that and know exactly what his face looked like – the laughing relief and relaxation that finally, after three months of casual, um, shall we say f-w-b?, we had solidified our friendship as just that: friendship.

Anyways, the whole conversation about the two of us not dating made me think about relationships again, which I’ve been doing a lot as of late. Ask me a year earlier about whether or not I thought relationships were a fantastic idea and if I wanted one myself and I would have listed off the details of the wedding I’d already planned with the faceless groom.

Now, however, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to function in a relationship. I keep thinking about what’s involved in a relationship. You have obligations and rules to follow. You have someone wanting to know where you are and who you’re with, someone wanting to spend time with you. Someone who wants you to tell them your secrets and wants you to help them with theirs.

This is all nice in theory, and I’m sure lots of people can do it well. But my habit of sabotaging relationships has proven to me that I do that on purpose because I don’t, or maybe can’t do the relationship thing. I don’t know if I’m cut out to take care of someone else, so be totally committed to someone else and have doors closed to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally open to the possibility that I feel this way because I’ve yet to be in a functional relationship with someone I actually like and want to be with. But right now, it doesn’t feel right, or even possible. Nothing with relationships seems possible.

How are we supposed to do all those things you’re supposed to do in a relationship and make time for our lives? For ourselves? It seems to be a T-Rex of a task – to take care of your own emotional self and that of someone else, to be willing to let things go and forgive and forget for the sake of the relationship and all of the other steps you’ve made together.

Kind of scary.

Permalink